Burger Malone
| Player | |
| |
| In-game name: Burger_Malone | |
| Status: Active | |
| First joined: Mid-2013 | |
| Clans: Bloc for Smaller Clans (former), Shakatak (current) | |
Burger_Malone, better known as the Poorest Man on SimPvP, has played on-and-off (mostly off) since 2013. They aren't notable in any meaningful way, but decided to make a wiki page after ostrich1414 told them they should.
They build pretty good and find a lot of famous bases, inventing and popularising the method of Holistic Basehunting.
They founded the Bloc for Smaller Clans, the Anti-Racism Coalition, the Thousand Spawner Club, and Shakatak.
History
Despite joining over seven years ago, Burger_Malone has a completely unremarkable history, and has contributed almost nothing to the server despite playing on it far too frequently. This section will give a very brief outline of the bases they still have screenshots of.
However, people have speculated that they are an alt of another, more important player, such as Mr._Hole_Digger or CrackyJoe. All of these accusations are true.
Early history
They joined in 2013 on an old undisclosed account, and there are no screenshots of the piece of shit base they had back then.
Building underground
In late 2015, they established a comfy underground base, later named Cave Flonk and soon invited some friends to join. Burger_Malone was here for a year or so until they got bored of building underground and all their friends left.
Then they stopped playing for like a year or two.
Building not underground
Coming back to the server in 2018, they set out to travel far away enough to build something above the surface. This led to the creation of a base set deep in the jungle, comprised of various individuals builds connected by railway bridges within the canopy.
This is where tagoo would join them, together forming the short-lived Mental Beanboys clan. A little later, Burger_Malone founded and led the Bloc for Smaller Clans. They were known as out_here_sneezin at this time.
Toward the end of 2019, Burger_Malone abruptly left and returned a few months later, with a sexy new username, to find the Bloc in ruins, and that their basemate tagoo had moved on from the jungle base and founded a settlement many millions from spawn.
Nearby, they built their own, new solo base in the mountains.
Shakatak
After once again getting burnt out, Burger_Malone founded Shakatak Mycelia as a newer solo base in a mushroom biome. This became the main base of their clan Shakatak. Around this point, they helped found the Anti-Racism Coalition.
Today, they spend most of their time building at this base, though with the occasional progress at Shakatak Subterranea, a newer, underground base.
The Return.
On the 21st of September 2023, Burger_Malone finally returned after years of absence. they kissed ostrich1414 (on the lips!) and left
Anti-racism efforts
Burger_Malone has been an active founding member of the Anti-Racism Coalition, producing (so far!) two map arts for the movement, as well as raising over $1000 for POC-oriented charities.
Numerous other projects are in the works to help SimPVP become an as inclusive, tolerant place as possible. Please read more about ARC and their work on their wiki page.
Map arts
They've created a number of map arts, listed below in order from earliest to most recent.
Diversity is our Strength
Created to espouse the values of equality and tolerance promoted by the Anti-Racism Coalition.
Shakatak Dirt
With the help of basemate James8B, this was made to appear nearly-identical to diamond ore for epic pranks.
dog
This is a sad dog.
Three special burger-minted edition copies of this map art were made, and were to be awarded to three epic people.
The first was awarded to James8B for his help with the diamond ore map art.
The second was sold to ostrich1414 for 10 diamond blocks.
The third and final copy has yet to be given to anyone.
dog delivering pizza
Dog delivering pizza.
VICTORY!
Made several months before the U.S. 2020 presidential election, this ARC-sponsored piece celebrated the inevitable future victory of Joe Biden.
horse walking into a shop
This piece portrays a horse walking into a shop.
Truck
This 2x2 piece came to Burger_Malone in a dream; all their current projects were put on hold to bring it into reality. It is a stock photo of a truck.
SHAKATAK
A 8x6 logo of Burger_Malone's clan, Shakatak, built entirely solo. This is currently the largest map art on SimPVP (update: NOT ANYMORE!! :/).
SimPVP
After being burnt out by that fat fuck Shakatak art, Burger_Malone pursued smaller, less frequent art projects.
They also produced a limited edition.
ostrich btfo
This piece was designed specifically to ensure that ostrich1414 will never have a complete map art collection. Various people own a copy, and have sworn to keep it out of ostrich's hands, despite his attempts to bribe them.
Map Art
Made for the 2021 Map Art Competition, this piece is literally a screenshot of the Map Art wiki page. It didn't win.
Commissioned pieces
Burger_Malone also takes commissions, charging 44db plus bulk materials to create a map art.
Born Sinner
Their first was commissioned by ZedZeppelin.
07/27/1978
Their second commissioned art was a large 3x1 piece for egnaroky.
The Burger Collection
For Burger_Malone's grandest map art project yet, they will produce 7 separate pieces to be used in the creation of infinite burgers. The possibilities are endless. Donations are accepted. Complete works are shown below.
Long Burger
Long Burger, Outer Corner
Long Burger, Inner Corner
Long Burger, Top Bun
Long Burger, Bottom Bun
Long Burger, Beginning
Long Burger, End
Books
They have also published a few books, each released to wide critical acclaim.
How to basehunt
Outlines their own secret method behind most of their best finds, also written at the Holistic Basehunting page.
Alpakashakatak I
Chronicles the genuine, inexplicable happenings surrounding a seemingly-magical llama found near spawn.
cereal from cup
Describes the superior method of eating cereal, which is from a cup rather than from a bowl. Read the book before judging.
Things Burger_Malone doesn't own
As the poorest man on SimPvP, there are numerous that Burger_Malone possesses zero of. Below is an inexhaustive list of the things that Burger_Malone does not own in no particular order.
- Crying Obsidian
- Goat Horn
- Tuff
- Sponge
- Calcite
- Any Dark Oak
- Armadillo Scute
- Basalt
- Brush
- Any Warped blocks
- Mace
- Any Sherd
- Any Copper
- Moss
- Glowstone
- Any Kelp
- Turtle Scute
- Crimson Hyphae
- Lodestone
- Any Terracotta except Orange
- Slime
- Purpur
- Raw Iron
- Any Deepslate
- Nether Bricks
- Red Sand
- Any Prismarine
- Pitcher Pod
- Any Blackstone
- Any Potions
- Red Mushroom Block
- Any Ice
- Rooted Dirt
- Glow Ink Sac
- Amethyst
- Any Glazed Terracotta
- Glow Berries
- Rabbit's Foot
- Beetroot
- Torchflower
- Any Cherry Wood
- Raw Gold
- Snow
- Crimson Nylium
- Any Mangrove blocks
Soul collection
Burger_Malone also buys player souls, which are legally signed over to them in the form of a written book. The customers are typically paid well: many satisfied customers have previously been traded various valuables in exchange for their soul.
If you're interested in handing ownership of your soul, message Burger_Malone in-game and they will try to make you a tempting offer. Your soul will be stored safely in an underground crypt.